New Years After Baby Loss

New Years can bring about a range of different emotions and families who have lost someone can feel really anxious in the lead up to the New Year. In my experience, there are generally two ways a bereaved family could feel.

Firstly it is common to feel as though they are not ready to move into the New Year. It can feel as though you are leaving your child behind and that the time between last holding your child and the present moment is growing larger and larger and that is something that can be really difficult to think about.

Secondly, there is the family who are so ready to leave the last year behind them and to move into the New Year with a fresh perspective, moving out of the pain that was 2021.

Whichever journey you are currently navigating, don’t feel guilt for how you view the New Year. Allow yourself to recognise that this time can be really challenging. And don’t feel as though you ‘should’ feel a certain way. Grief is not black and white and it doesn’t just disappear when a New Year begins.

Just because you are moving into a New Year, nothing really changes other than the date. It’s not going to magically take the pain away, it doesn’t mean you are moving on without your child or moving away from your grief. It is simply a movement in time and is just like any other day through the year. It isn’t something we need to fear and it isn’t something we need to feel pressured to make amazing or find new perspective, or even to come up with resolutions or words for the year ahead. We can do that in our own time, when it works for us and when we are ready!

Know that you don’t have to celebrate moving into the New Year. You don’t have to see people, stay up until midnight, have some drinks or attend parties. Remove the guilt of feeling as though you ‘should feel ready to move on’ or you ‘should feel like you aren’t ready for the New Year’ because whichever way you are feeling right now is valid.

The New Year will not lessen the pain or allow you to move on because pregnancy and infant loss is not something you really move on from. It stays with you and the grief ebbs and flows throughout your life.

When we lost Lilly I couldn’t bear the thought that we were moving into a year that she didn’t exist in. A year that she should have experienced and that we should have been parents. A year we coined as ‘our year’. Once the celebrations of New Years were over the heaviness shifted away. We had worked the day up to be a massive thing and we really could have just looked at it as another day. But in reflection, we were right to feel this way and to linger in that grief. We had just gone through the most unimaginable pain.

Something it is really important to keep in mind is that it can be confronting going to events where you would usually be having a few drinks, as it may be the first time you have had a drink since having your baby and this in itself can bring a whole other level of grief and guilt.

I suppose the key theme here is that there is no right way to feel and no magic solution. It just has to feel right for you. If you prefer to spend the night in bed watching TV, do it. If you prefer to surround yourself with people and have a few drinks, do it. Allow yourself to feel how you need to and remove the guilt of feeling that way. Don’t allow others to tell you how you should be feeling and don’t allow them to make you feel guilty for how you are expressing your pain. This is YOUR journey through grief.

I want to leave you with one final thing. I don’t want to say ‘I hope 2021 is a better year.’ because I know what the journey through loss is like. What I do want to say is that ‘I know there are better times ahead.’ I don’t have a timeframe and I can’t make promises. However I do know that as time progresses, you learn to create a new normal and to find things that bring you joy again. And that is an idea worth holding on to.

This year, be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend; with compassion, love and understanding with no expectations or self-resentment.

Importantly, you are seen, you are heard and you are not alone. May 2022 bring you connection, love, peace and hope.

Jess xxx