Six Things You Can Do For A Bereaved Parent Without Buying Flowers
When someone loses a child, absolutely nothing can help ease their pain and it can be really hard to know what to do as a support person. People generally lean towards buying flowers, which is a lovely gesture. It keeps the family busy maintaining the flowers, giving them something to do during their grief. Additionally they are beautiful and so thoughtful, portraying the message that you are thinking of the family during this difficult time. However, the idea that flowers eventually die can be triggering to families, and as they generally don’t last more than a couple of weeks, the family are unable to keep what you have have gifted them in honour of their child. Some families try to keep the flowers as a reminder of the support around them in that moment by drying them, as the thought of throwing them away can prompt feelings of guilt and sadness.
There are a number of things that you can do for families grieving the loss of a child that will not only create a lasting impression, but will also provide the family with something practical and helpful in their time of need and ensure the family understands how much they mean to you, without spending money on flowers.
Arrange a cleaner - This can will help ease the burden of having to keep up with the housework and can help reduce the anxiety that can be caused by mounting piles of washing and general unkept floors.
Organise child care - When parents have another child at home, it can be really overwhelming providing their child with entertainment, dropping them to daycare or school, or can even bring about feelings of guilt for not being emotionally available. Grief is exhausting and complex and having someone take their child out for the day to give the parents time alone can be really helpful, even if it is just in the backyard while the parents take a nap or have a shower. Some parents find it difficult for their child to be away from them during this time, so it is really important to know how the family feel about this and respect the families wishes.
Organise yard maintenance - Schedule someone to mow the lawns, pull the weeds and generally maintain the families yard. Mundane tasks can seem really pointless and feel exhausting. In some cases it can be really helpful for families to feel as though they are doing something practical and keeping busy, however in the early days, it can be just as hard to remember to eat or to have the energy to get out of bed, let alone mow the lawn.
Arrange a pet sitter - While the family are in the hospital it can be really helpful to offer to have someone look after the family’s animals. Organising someone to go to the house to feed, entertain and fill up the water bowls can take that extra load off the family’s mind. Alongside this, having someone able to take in their mail, put their bins out and water their plants is really beneficial, easing the pressure on them returning home. Once the family are home it can be really great to organise someone to take the dog for a walk, especially in the case where their dog is full of energy, as it can be really hard to keep up and find patience during the initial grieving stage.
Develop a meal train - Organise people to drop off meals to the family once a day or a few times a week to ensure the family are maintaining their nutritional needs. Be sure to include snacks and essentials, such as milk and bread to save them having to worry about groceries. If they have other children at home, perhaps ensure you have provided them with some healthy snack choices as well. You can also opt to sign them up for a meal delivery service to deliver pre-made food to their door, or you can offer to pick up their groceries via click and collect if they aren’t up to leaving the house.
Make a donation in their child’s name - This is one of the most beautiful things you can do in honour of a child. A lot of families have a close connection with some of the foundations that assist during these times and these foundations generally rely on the generosity of the public to keep their services running and available. Making a donation in memory of their child is a really beautiful way to help out in times like this and also helps the family feel as though their child’s name is being acknowledged and remembered and that their presence on Earth has meaning.
Be sure to discuss these things with the family before you organise them. It may be best to do this via text so the family is able to think about your offer and react to the information you have provided. Another thing to remember is that there is a difference between asking and offering. It is best not to ask, for example “would you mind if I organise a cleaner for you?” but to offer as a gift, for example “I have been thinking of ways to help you out during this time and I would like to arrange a cleaner to come to your place once a fortnight to ease the burden. They are available on these days between these times. If there is a time you prefer, perhaps I can take you to coffee while they are cleaning.”
These 6 practical steps can really help ease the burden families often feel in the first few weeks after the loss of a child and will ensure they feel supported and acknowledged. Generally some of the first things families struggle with when they come home is looking after themselves, feeling anxiety about leaving the house and bumping in to someone they know or knowing that life is moving on around them while they are navigating a world without their child. By taking some of the pressure and expectation off, the family is able to find their way through their grief and take their time in establishing their new normal. And this is a gift they will never forget.