What to say to someone who has lost a child
Losing a child can be a lonely time. It can be even more lonely when people don’t know how to react or talk to the parent that has lost their child. I get it. It can make you uncomfortable when you don’t know what to say or what they are going through. Death is a difficult subject. But I can guarantee you, it’s even more difficult to be the person dealing with the loss.
You would think having been there myself, I would know exactly what to say or do when someone loses a child. But you would be wrong. I know there is no perfect thing to say and there is nothing that is going to make this families pain ease.
You might be worried that you will say the wrong thing. Simply having you here reading this, tells me that you care enough about the people in this situation, to learn more about what you should and should not say.
What not to say:
Everything happens for a reason - This does not provide comfort in any way. There is never a good enough reason for someone to have to deal with the pain of losing a child.
You can have another - Another baby will not replace the baby they lost. Plain and simple. Bereaved parents don’t need to feel like their grief is not valid. They need to know that they are allowed to grieve in their own time and not feel pressured into thinking of having another child, when the loss of this child is still so fresh.
There must have been something medically wrong - Sometimes babies die for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Having a reason won’t make it easier to deal with. And to be perfectly honest, even if there was a reason, it’s really not something you need to know unless the parents willingly give you that information.
Give it time - Grief doesn’t have a time limit. Bereaved parents will always think of their child and will never ‘get over’ the fact that their child is gone. Time won’t make things better. Grief will ebb and flow throughout their life and nothing will make losing their child any easier.
I know how you feel - No two will people will ever have the same experience. No two people will process their grief the same way. Knowing that someone else has been through a similar situation can be comforting, but saying it this way minimises their grief and makes them feel as though you have expectations of where they should be up to in their grief journey.
At least you already have a child - Having another child at home doesn’t make things any easier. It is just as hard, if not harder, because you have to look after your child while you are trying to look after yourself and navigate your way through your grief.
At least it was early - It doesn’t make a difference when the loss occurred, a loss is a loss. It is painful if it was at 4 weeks, 20 weeks, 40 weeks, 2 months old or 2 years old. The experiences are all different, but the grief is not lessened the earlier the loss.
They are in a better place - There is no better place for that child than in the arms of their parents. Full stop.
When are you going to try again? - Firstly, this isn’t really something you need to know. Secondly, does this really matter? The decision to have a child is such a personal thing and is a decision only the parents can make. Having a child after you have lost a pregnancy is even more of a difficult decision, because it has whole new levels of fear, pain and anxiety. Let the parents take their time to grieve and make this decision on their own terms.
I know what you’re thinking… who in their right mind would say something like that? The funny thing is, we experienced all but one of these responses. During times of discomfort, it can be really easy to say something you didn’t mean, or say something that came out in a way that it wasn’t supposed to. Which is why it is a good thing you’re here. Knowing these things first hand will point you in the right direction and will help you avoid saying something you didn’t mean that could cause more harm than good.
What you can say:
I’m here for you - One of the hardest things after losing a child, is losing a friend too. Knowing that your friends are still there when you are ready is irreplaceable.
Take the time you need - Grieving is a process that doesn’t have an end date. Everyone grieves differently; some feeling more comfortable going back to how things were, and others avoiding ‘normal’ things for extended periods of time. Through each new stage of grief, no matter how far down the track, there will be firsts. The first time you leave the house alone, the first time you go shopping, the first time you go to sleep without crying. It’s important for bereaved parents to know that they aren’t expected to move on quickly and that they have your support in grieving the way they need to.
I love you - Relationships often change during the initial stages of loss. Knowing that you still have people who love you unconditionally makes all the difference. In our personal experience, some of our friends became more like family after the loss of our daughter.
I’m sorry you’re going through this - This is the perfect thing to say. When there are no words, this says it all.
I’m thinking of you - It can be comforting for the bereaved parents to know that they are not alone in this and that even if you aren’t by their side, they are still in your thoughts.
You are not alone - Feeling isolated and alone is common in the early days of loss. It is so important to feel like you still have a village to lean on. If you don’t know how to help, you can also let the bereaved family know where they can turn to for additional support if they feel they need it.
What can I do? - The offer of help can make parents feel uncomfortable as they don’t want to be a burden. But you know what? Sometimes having someone offer to help with things like the groceries takes unnecessary pressure off grieving families to ensure they don’t feel as though they have to rush back to ‘normal’ life. Simple things like going to the grocery store are all of a sudden not so easy. As a bereaved parent, you analyse every situation. You are worried about who you are going to bump into, what they are going to say, whether they even know what has happened. Knowing that there is someone that can run in and pick up a loaf of bread makes a huge difference in a world that is, all of a sudden, filled with anxiety.
If you don’t feel like talking, I can just sit with you - Sometimes it is nice not to have to think of anything to say. But it’s also really nice not to feel alone.
I miss your baby - We miss them too.
It is easy in the moment for the things you have read here to slip your mind. If you take one thing away from this post, let it be this.
‘I’m sorry” says it all.
Most importantly, where you can, say their baby’s name. Talking about their child is not reminding them that they are gone, it is acknowledging that they lived.
If you are unable to be with your friend during this difficult time and you want to send a message, know that you don’t have to write a long message. A simple heart to let them know you are thinking of them is enough.
In the days after we lost our daughter, the only messages that really come to mind during a time filled with fog, are these:
A heart emoji from a friend who lived in another state and couldn’t be with us.
A message from a friend that was long and beautiful and honestly I don’t remember what all of it said. But what I do remember is this. “You don’t have to reply to this message, just know that we are thinking of you.”
Please know that is better to show up and sit in silence than to keep your distance. No-one deserves to be alone, especially during a time this heartbreakingly difficult.
So much love,
Jess xxx